Jay, today’s your third birthday. You should be
<
པ་༔; པཕཕ་
NII
starting preschool where your mom lives. Dad
didn’t go to school much. Learned other things
Your mom’s a city girl, a smart one. She’s
amazing. You can ask her about your
schoolwork. Dad’s drunk today, thinking about
your mom again. I met her under an awning,
hiding from the rain. She was so beautiful, so
delicate, it made me want to… break her. Her
innocence, her naiveté… I’d never seen
anything like it. I fell for her instantly. But I
never wanted to possess her. I suppressed my
dark thoughts. Then someone brought her to
- me. I was furious, devastated. This isn’t a place
for a girl like her. If I showed any interest in her,
she’d be dead. I didn’t think she’d last a month,
but she was tough, a survivor beneath that
fragile exterior. She actually thrived here. I
changed my mind about her. I started
protecting her, loving her. But she was
stubborn, always arguing with me. At first, it felt
like a challenge to my authority. But then… I
just let her have her way. What else could I do?
She’s my precious wife.
<
January 1, 2022
Jay, you should be ten this year. Your mom is
doing much better now. She listens to me, stays
by my side. Says she wants to be with me
forever. Dad’s useless. I cried when I went to
see you. Forever? But she’s been talking to an undercover cop. Something funny happened
today. She found your baby clothes while
cleaning and asked whose they were. I told her I
bought them for the dog. She believed me, put them on the dog, and held it in her arms. Funny, right? But it made Dad cry. You never got to experience your mom’s embrace, and that
dog…
February 2, 2022
Jay, you should be thirteen today. Middle
school, huh? What are you learning? I don’t know. Dad just has good news for you. Your mom contacted the police. They blew up our
house. She escaped. She didn’t look back so
<
house. She escaped. She didn’t look back, so
she didn’t see me smiling at her as she ran. Let
her go. Let her go back to her parents. You and
Dad will have each other.
March 3, 2022
Jay, you’re sixteen, in high school. People say
high school is important, so study hard. Get out
of this place and never come back. I saw your
mom today, as someone else. She was scared. I
understand, but it still hurts. Your mom isn’t
happy. She’s home, but everyone betrayed her. That’s what hurts. I know every smile she gave
me in those three years was a performance, for
survival. She never loved me. But I loved her,
madly. I just watched her act, played along, and suffered in silence. Those three years were hell
for her. She hated me. But I hoped… I foolishly hoped she felt something for me. Of course, she didn’t. I came to this city for two reasons.
One: to be a good man. It’s ironic, isn’t it? A
man like me wanting to be good. People would
<
laugh. Keep it a secret, okay? Two: to make
your mom happy. I made a list of a hundred
things to do. When I finish, I’ll come see you.
April 4, 2022
Jay, you’re seventeen today. Junior year is
busy. No dating. Don’t mess with girls. If you
do, Dad will break your legs. Here’s an update
on Dad’s progress: I went to class with Mom,
looked at the stars with her, ate with her,
bought her boba, bought her flowers, waited
outside her apartment all night. Oh, and I quit
smoking. I wish I could have been part of her
college life, part of her youth. I want to
experience her world, the world she fought so
hard to return to. I don’t understand how a
delicate flower like her can captivate me so completely. I’ve already done a dozen things on my list. She’s finally smiling again. She doesn’t recognize me. She thinks it’s my twin brother. But when she smiles at me, kisses me, calling me another man’s name… it’s almost
く
unbearable. I don’t think I can keep this up.
April 8, 2022
Jay, you’re eighteen today. Dad is sitting
outside the basement door, writing this to you.
Your mom is inside. In these final moments, I
don’t know what to say. I’ve been here for half
an hour, unable to write. All I can see is you,
lying there, covered by a white sheet. I miss you
so much. I can’t do this anymore. I avenged
you, killed everyone who hurt you. But there’s
still a hole in my heart, a void that can never be
filled. I don’t want you to receive any of these
letters. They say if you receive them, you’ll
come find me in the next life. Don’t. Your dad is
a monster. Don’t come looking for me. Find a
good family. If you ever meet a monster like
me, run. People like me deserve to die. That’s
why I’m killing everyone like me. Don’t be
afraid. Dad will be there soon. Is it cold down
there? Are those I killed bullying you? Don’t
worry. Your dad is always the boss, wherever he
く
goes. I’ll take care of them. Just wait. I’m not coming back in the next life. I’ll stay in hell,
guarding it, until your mom comes down. I’ll
send you off, then your mom, watch you live a good life, and then I’ll disappear. If you’re
reborn first, take care of your mom for me.
I lay in bed, having read every entry, tears
soaking my pillow. I looked at the wilted lilies,
sobbing uncontrollably. My dad came in, his
own tears flowing at the sight of me.
“Do you want to visit his grave?” he asked,
holding me.
I nodded.
I went to see Jake. I’d prepared so much to say,
but at the cemetery, my mind went blank. I
stood there, staring at the grass–covered grave,
silent. My dad took me home.
That night, staring out the window, my dad told
me that the police had called him, told him
while Jake was unconscious, they told him I
hadn’t wanted to see him. That was when he
lost his will to live.
“He didn’t want to live anymore.”
Those words stopped me in my tracks.
Jake died on September 23, 2023, Jayden’s
first birthday.
I stood in front of the bathroom mirror,
touching the scars on my stomach, sobbing.
Epilogue 1
After returning from studying abroad, I went to
pick up my brother from elementary school. The
streets were packed, and I accidentally rear-
ended a black Cadillac. The car stopped, and a
man in a suit got out, checking the damage.
>
“It’s fine, just a scratch.”
I froze, stunned.
“Are you okay? Are you hurt?” He looked at
me, confused by my silence.
“I’m… fine,” I sighed.
“Okay, here’s my card. I have to go, but if there
are any problems, call me.” He handed me his
card and got back into his car.
I stared at the card-
—
Alex.
The light turned green. He drove off,
disappearing into the traffic. I put the card in
my car and went to pick up my brother.
In the car, he chattered about his classmates.
“Sis, why is my mom older than everyone else’s
<
I paused. “Because she couldn’t find you for a
long time. Then she found you.”
“Why don’t you have a boyfriend, Sis?”
“Because I’m busy with… important things.”
“That’s what my teacher says.
“Oh?”
وو
“He’s really handsome, and he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He says he’s busy with important
things.” My brother leaned closer, whispering,
“Sis, can I introduce him to you?”
“What? Why?”
“If he’s my brother–in–law, he won’t yell at me
in his office anymore.”
Kids these days.
I bought him ice cream and took him to my
mom’s, helping him with his homework. After he
finished, my mom brought us dinner. Life was
slowly regaining its color.
The business card lay forgotten in my car,
never to be picked up again.
